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Demi Moore: A Universal Lesson for Us All

I was in my doctor's waiting room the other day and staring me in the face was the obligatory copy of People magazine (is a People subscription an official requirement for doctors to get their board certifications?), this one being a recent issue with Demi Moore on the cover and promising to give us the "real story" of her recent emergency call, breakdown, and trip to a recovery facility.

Surprisingly, the story was indeed filled with quotes from people supposedly from her own camp and inner circle. And some of what they said was both all-too-common (for all of us, not just the rich and famous) and sad but also instructive.

Demi was apparently very concerned--perhaps obsessed--with maintaining her youth and beauty. The problem with this, as we look at in depth in The Bliss Experiment book--is that this is a game we're all guaranteed to lose. Neither youth nor beauty can be maintained forever, no matter what. Worse, even if we have them right now, excessively thinking or dwelling on them doesn't help us keep or enjoy them, it actually increases our unhappiness. One of the studies we discuss in the book is the startling finding that runway fashion models--often considered among the most beautiful women in the world--actually report far less happiness and life satisfaction than average-looking people and, furthermore, exhibited a significantly higher incidence of negative personality disorders.

But that's not the worst of it for Demi. Far worse, there's a quote from a close confidant that indicates that Demi fell apart when she and Ashton split because she saw it as confirmation that she's a fundamentally unlovable person--apparently a long-standing, secret fear of hers that recent events crashed into the forefront of her consciousness. The mistake is to put so much emphasis on needing other people's thoughts, feelings, and affections towards us as a requirement for our own happiness. When we do this, we essentially place our fate outside ourselves, in other people. Their beliefs about and reactions to us become responsible for whether we feel joy or not. This is always a recipe for emotional and spiritual disaster. Moreover, it also subtly creates a dynamic where we believe that love is something that we primarily receive, rather than give.

Instead, if we can focus on developing our inner resources and locating the bliss within, we find ourselves centered and joyful no matter what life's external circumstances brings our way. Paradoxically, by doing so, we actually become less self-absorbed. We stop thinking about ourselves all the time. We focus on what we can give to others, not get from them, and most of all, we learn to being selflessly present, feeling a greater sense of inner peace, balance, and harmony.

We all make the same kinds of happiness mistakes that Demi has made--and if not these specifically, then others that are no better. I feel no judgement toward her, no glee that somehow she "got what she deserved." Just a tremendous amount of understanding and compassion. We've all been there in one form or another. The good news, however, is that there are real, lasting solutions available.

Tags: beauty, celebrities, culture, external, filminternal, love, pop, vs

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Comment by Frank Yosso on March 7, 2013 at 3:04am: What Demi needs is a torrid love affair to restore confidence and to show her that she is beautiful and lovable and is pleasing...

Comment by Michael Haskins on August 26, 2012 at 12:06am: Loving yourself...good,bad,ugly,beautiful. We are everything and yet...we are nothing. Let go and let yourself live. It's so transitory...for all of us. Just celebrate YOU!

Comment by Greg on March 5, 2012 at 12:46pm: It's sad for anyone no matter what they look like on the outside to see themselves in such a negative way. If Demi doesn't find some reason to live it could be the end for her.

Comment by Juliebean2012 on March 5, 2012 at 1:21am: Maybe Demi should visit "The Bliss Experiment." LOL She should read the post about happiness slowing down signs of aging. If she saw that all that Hollywood false "Bliss" she is caught up under would not distress her anymore or at least not as much.

Comment by Jennifer Dunn on March 1, 2012 at 6:59am: Reminds me that success and happiness as defined by our society are so misleading. You are absolutely correct in that true bliss, or joy, comes from within. No amount of money or external actions can provide this for you. Its your own journey, growth, and realization that it comes from within and is readily available. That is when true bliss really begins :) Love your message!

Comment by lena gogol on February 27, 2012 at 3:35am: I didn’t know Demi had this problem. I feel sorry for her. But being an actress is required to look good and to maintain the beauty and the youth.

Comment by tomsbabyjenna on February 26, 2012 at 7:03pm: I think that like you said Demi was to obsessed with maintaining her looks. She was doomed from the start dating Ashton being hes so much younger then her. She would have to work even harder to maintain her looks by being with him and that would stress anyone out. I hope she took some time to work out her issues and can move on from this at peace with herself and where things are going.

Comment by Amber Newton on February 26, 2012 at 3:22pm: I think this trend of celebrities checking into rehab-type facilities at the slightest normal life issue (breakups? Honey child, we all go through these things) is interesting. Are celebrities really so ill-equipped to handle the things that happen in life? Or is it just they are able to take advantage of a desire to get away from everything when something bad or sad happens? The problem with them checking into hospitals at the slightest ill fated occurrence is that it gives the rest of us the idea that the trauma they are experiencing is either A) so much worse than ours has ever been or B) an acceptable level of drama to aspire to in our own lives. I feel badly for her, but this is also something I wish she were better able to handle with some crying and Ben & Jerry's and time spent with a girlfriend. I don't think she had it coming, or got what she deserved. But I do think that it was an inevitable ending. If Ashton were a more mature-behaving individual, I might have not felt this was coming along at one point or another.

Comment by DianeShore on February 26, 2012 at 8:12am: That's funny I noticed this too on three of my doctors all having People magazine. Anyways, beauty is all in the mind. If you feel good you feel happy, if you feel happy, you feel beautiful too. Therefore the key to being beautiful is finding happiness deep within ourselves.

Comment by BrendaBee on February 25, 2012 at 4:26am: Wow. That statement about Demi Moore taking Ashton's split from her as a sign that she is fundamentally unlovable person is something to think about. That is how we all feel when we are rejected by someone we love. It's too bad also that so many celebrity relationships have to fail. It's also true that some of the women who are so beautiful on the outside are so unhappy on the inside. It's sad they cannot even truly appreciate the gift of beauty-at least not most of them.

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